Hello and happy Thursday, my ducky-darlings! Before we get to today's post - imported at great cost and terrible peril from the dark swampy depths of the blog archive - I have links to share to two new advanced reviews of
The Night Itself, both of which are just lovely.
The first is on
Readaraptor's blog, by the adorable Raimy, and the second is by
the charming Jesse on Books4Teens. You should check out their blogs even if you are not remotely interested in my book, because they rock and their blogs rock. Thank you both so much, guys!
Now, just a bit of background on today's RetroPost. It begins with a lengthy preamble about YA Highway's Roadtrip Wednesday, which obviously is now very, very (two years) out of date. But I decided to leave it in because it's part of explaining how my brain got onto this topic in the first place. Just don't expect to see any of the topics mentioned here on the YA Highway blog now, OK? They are long gone. So, without further ado...
Road Trip Wednesday is a "Blog Carnival," where YA Highway's
contributors post a weekly writing- or reading-related question and
answer it on our own blogs. You can hop from destination to destination
and get everybody's unique take on the topic. We'd love for you to
participate! Just answer the prompt on your own blog and leave a link
in the comments - or, if you prefer, you can include your answer in the
comments.
ETA: Turns out that YA Highway changed the topic for this week to
'Your favourite First Lines' after I had already written this post,
meaning that once again I am unable to participate. This is what
happens when I try to join in, people. It never ends well. But I
thought I'd post what I wrote anyway, because it's heartfelt and it
took a lot of effort to get it all down.
I've been wanting to take part in Road Trip Wednesday for ages now, but I
always forgot or had something else important to post. So I was
thrilled when the stars aligned this week and I not only remembered to
check the YA Highway blog in time, but had nothing planned for
Wednesday's post.
And then I saw the topic.
Who did you want to be like in High School?
Brain freeze. Because here's the thing. When I was in school I wanted to be like:
Buffy
Summers. Beautiful, brave, resourceful and strong. Surrounded by great
friends. Willing to sacrifice her life for the good of others.
Elizabeth Bennett. Highly intelligent, quick-witted and funny, but also
doing her best to live to strict principles of integrity, even when her
own family were pushing her to make bad choices.
Daine from Tamora Pierce's The Immortals Quartet. Tough and competent,
with hidden and still developing talents and a completely no-nonsense
attitude.
But since I have a feeling this topic is related to the upcoming book
Like Mandarin by Kirsten Hubbard, that means the topic is actually asking, what REAL person did you want to be like in school?
Tricky. You see, I was not and never have been a 'follower'. Most of the
girls I went to school with bent themselves into strange and awkward
shapes, trying to make sure that they fitted in with everyone else. They
all had to wear their hair a certain way - permed and scrunched, with
at least one large, teased quiff at the front - dress a certain way -
tight trousers, top with a certain label, a particular kind of shoes and
bag - speak a certain way - lots of swearing, lots of scornful phrases,
all topped off with a certain regional accent.
Of course, the less popular ones came off as a sort of cheap imitation
of the really popular crowd, but that was okay, because by showing that
they were willing to follow, they gained a kind of protection. Even the
girls that I was friends with - the ones I knew were clever and funny
and interesting people with their own unique traits - were desperately
trying to suppress anything different about themselves so they could
follow along in the popular kids footsteps.
Don't stand out. Don't do anything different. Don't put your hand up
in lessons. Don't smile at teachers. If you get a good mark, don't look
pleased about it. For crying out loud, don't let on that you actually
READ for fun.
These were the rules, and I broke all of them. I refused to pretend to
be anything I wasn't, I refused to pretend to be stupid, and I
emphatically refused to perm and scrunch my hair. No way. In fact, the
more the other kids my age lectured me, made fun of me and picked on me,
the more stubbornly I clung to being different.
That had consequences. Consequences which in some cases skated
dangerously close to being life-threatening (like being pushed down
stairs, having stones thrown at me, having my head repeatedly hit
against a concrete wall) but which were always unpleasant (having ink
flicked at my back, being spat at, having dozens of tiny balls of
chewing gum thrown at my head so that I had to pull handfuls of my own
hair out).
One by one I watched all my friends give in to the pressure. None of
them defended me against the attacks - verbal or physical - because
doing so would have put them in the line of fire. What's more, as time
went on, they got angry with me for being the way I was. It was my own
fault people bullied me, they said. Why did I have to be so different?
Why couldn't I just fit in? In squashing themselves into the box that
the other kids had told them they needed to fit, my friends had lost
their bravery and compassion. All they gained was a craven desire not to
stand out.
So school was a pretty damn lonely place for me. And the hardest part
was knowing that with a few tweaks, a few changes, a few things that
seemed so small, I could have turned it around. I was smart, and I could
have done a really good impression of one of those cool girls - talked
the way they did, acted the way they did. I was quite capable of fixing
my hair to look as hideous as theirs did. I could stop putting my hand
up in class, hide my books. And, just like had happened to my friends,
within a short time the worst of the bullying would have stopped. I'd
never have been in the popular crowd, but I wouldn't have been defying
them anymore. They'd have lost interest.
Looking back, to be honest I'm stunned at the absolute core of steel I
must have had as a teen. I remember so many days when I got home and
went straight to my room to cry for hours over things that had been done
to me at school. I remember broken glasses and bruises, I remember
taunting words that used to echo in my head for hours. But I never let
the other kids see me cry. I remember hearing someone say: 'She's too
stuck up to feel pain'. Well, I wasn't. But I was too proud to ever let
them see me feeling it. I was too proud to give in. And I was too proud
to change.
For a long time after leaving school, I didn't like to think about it. I
tried to block all the memories out. When random images of school days
swam into my head, I'd take deep breaths, or hum under my breath, or
flick the inside of my wrist, to try and drive them away. But as I've
gotten a little older, I've started to realise something about the whole
experience. Yes, it was dark, and scary and lonely. Yes, no one should
ever have to go through what I did. But I didn't do anything wrong. The
fault lay with the other children, and the teachers and parents who let
them get away with acting like they did.
Teenage Zolah? She was AWESOME.
I truly don't know if I could find that kind of inner strength now. I
don't know, if I was subjected to that kind of daily, constant
harassment, the threat of violence, the verbal abuse, if I could stand
up to my tormenters. I don't know if I'd last a week, let alone
five years.
But somehow that girl - that teenage girl between the ages of eleven
and sixteen - managed it. She did something that most adults couldn't do
without breaking down. She endured. She went back to that school day
after day. And in the end she WON.
So. The reason this topic is tricky for me to answer, is that the person I wanted to be like in school?
Was me.
And if anyone out there right now, reading this blog, is going through
something like Teenage Zolah did, back in the day? Just take a moment to
realise how amazing you - like Teenage Zolah - really are.
You are a superhero. And you don't have to be like anyone but you.